Squash the SquabTM

Landmark rulings

The internet's oldest petty debates, settled. Each one gets both sides argued with real sources, then a ruling from Judge Whiskerton.

IN THE HIGH COURT OF SQUABS

THE DOCKET

  1. No. 1

    Is a hot dog a sandwich?

    Team Sandwich is guilty of winning on a technicality.
    GUILTY
  2. No. 2

    Is cereal a soup?

    Team Soup is guilty of breakfast identity theft.
    GUILTY
  3. No. 3

    Is water wet?

    Team Wet is guilty of framing water for its own crime.
    GUILTY
  4. No. 4

    Toilet seat up or down?

    Both teams are guilty of ignoring the lid.
    BOTH GUILTY
  5. No. 5

    Toilet paper over or under?

    Team Under is guilty of hiding the evidence behind the roll.
    GUILTY
  6. No. 6

    Pineapple on pizza?

    Team No Pineapple is guilty of attempted topping prohibition.
    GUILTY
  7. No. 7

    Should you shower in the morning or night?

    Team Morning is guilty of bringing the entire day to bed.
    GUILTY
  8. No. 8

    Who sleeps on which side of the bed?

    Team Seniority is guilty of squatting on prime mattress real estate.
    GUILTY
  9. No. 9

    Who pays on the first date?

    Team Split It is guilty of surprise itemization in the first degree.
    GUILTY
  10. No. 10

    Who should pay for dates in a relationship?

    Both teams are guilty of auditing romance without a warrant.
    BOTH GUILTY
  11. No. 11

    What are the rules for calling dibs?

    Team No Dibs is guilty of contempt of playground law.
    GUILTY
  12. No. 12

    Is it rude to leave someone on read?

    Team Seen is guilty of aggravated ghosting with a receipt.
    GUILTY
  13. No. 13

    Is it rude to eat in front of someone?

    Team Wait is guilty of unlicensed lunch policing.
    GUILTY
  14. No. 14

    Is it rude to do laundry at night?

    Team Night Spin is guilty of disturbing the peace on spin cycle.
    GUILTY
  15. No. 15

    Is it rude to chew gum in a meeting?

    Team Gum is guilty of conspicuous chewing during official business.
    GUILTY
  16. No. 16

    Is it rude to email on the weekend?

    Both teams are guilty of Saturday inbox mischief.
    BOTH GUILTY
  17. No. 17

    Is it rude to wear sunglasses indoors?

    Team Shades is guilty of causing an indoor eclipse.
    GUILTY
  18. No. 18

    Is it rude to wear a hat indoors?

    Team Cap is guilty of brim-related disrespect at the dinner table.
    GUILTY
  19. No. 19

    Is it rude to blow your nose at the table?

    Team Honk and Team Sniffle are both guilty of nasal disturbance.
    BOTH GUILTY
  20. No. 20

    Is it rude to correct someone's grammar?

    Team Red Pen is guilty of unsolicited editing in a casual setting.
    GUILTY
  21. No. 21

    Is it rude to answer a question with a question?

    Team Question Back is guilty of dodging in the first degree.
    GUILTY
  22. No. 22

    Who gets the last slice of pizza?

    Both teams guilty of grand theft and criminal pizza neglect.
    BOTH GUILTY
  23. No. 23

    Is a taco a sandwich?

    Team Sandwich is guilty of illegal tortilla annexation.
    GUILTY
  24. No. 24

    Is double texting bad?

    Team Play It Cool is guilty of aggravated waiting.
    GUILTY
  25. No. 25

    Is it rude to wear shoes in someone's house?

    Team Shoes On is guilty of trespassing past the shoe pile.
    GUILTY