Is it rude to leave someone on read?

The case for Team Waiting

Team Waiting has data. In a 2017 study presented at CHI, the major conference on human-computer interaction, researchers surveyed 402 Facebook Messenger users about times a message went unread or was read but not answered. The most common reaction was feeling upset or angry at the recipient, reported by 42.8 percent, and another 26.9 percent felt slighted or ignored.

The same study found that a read message with no reply stings more than an unread one. When a message sat unread, senders were less angry and more likely to worry about the other person. Once the app showed it was seen, 27.9 percent guessed they were being pointedly ignored.

Etiquette agrees that silence is not neutral. Lizzie Post, co-president of the Emily Post Institute, told NPR that a lot of people are taking a really long time to respond, and that it is fine to nudge someone again.

The case for Team Seen

Team Seen says the read receipt is the real troublemaker. A small 2017 study in the Journal of Media, Cognition and Communication found that read receipts create pressure to respond and lead to more app checking, avoidance, and anxiety. The most common reaction its respondents reported to getting a message was feeling pressured to reply, at 36 percent, followed by guilt at 30 percent.

Life also gets in the way. In the CHI study, recipients who had avoided opening a message because of the seen feature were asked why. Wanting to pretend they never saw it topped the list, but 45.8 percent said they were simply too busy to deal with it.

And the label proves less than it seems. The same researchers noted that WhatsApp and Apple's iMessage let people switch read receipts off, so a missing receipt and a present one can both mean very little.

The court's ruling

Both sides have a point, but they are arguing about different things. Reading a message is not rude. Leaving a direct question unanswered for days, after a receipt told the sender you saw it, usually is.

Team Seen is guilty of aggravated ghosting with a receipt and is sentenced to reply within a day, even if the reply is a thumbs up. Team Waiting gets a warning too: a receipt shows when someone read the message, not why they have not answered.

How to settle it at home

If you read something you cannot answer yet, send a holding reply like "Saw this, will answer tonight." It takes five seconds and ends the guessing. If you would rather not signal anything, turn read receipts off instead of dodging the message.

If you are the one waiting, one friendly nudge is fair game. If you still disagree about what counts as rude, file both sides and let Judge Whiskerton rule on your version of the debate.

Questions people ask

Is it more rude to leave someone on read or on delivered?

Often, yes. In a 2017 CHI survey of 402 Facebook Messenger users, senders reported more anger and more feelings of being ignored when a message was read but not answered than when it was never opened.

Is it disrespectful to leave someone on read?

Not automatically. In the court's view, it starts to read as disrespect when the message asked a direct question, the person is close to you, and days pass with no reply.

Is it rude to leave someone on seen?

Seen and read mean the same thing here: the app showed the sender you opened the message. The same rules apply.

Is it OK to leave someone on read when the conversation is over?

Yes. A message like "ok, see you then" does not need an answer, and replying to every last word is optional.

Sources

1. Hoyle et al., Was my message read? Privacy and Signaling on Facebook Messenger (CHI 2017)
2. Lynden and Rasmussen, Exploring the impact of read receipts in mobile instant messaging (Journal of Media, Cognition and Communication, 2017)
3. NPR via KUNC: Etiquette tips on the proper way to send a text message