Who pays on the first date?

The case for Team Split It

Team Split It says splitting is normal now, and etiquette allows it. The Emily Post Institute calls splitting the check "incredibly common today and nothing to be ashamed of."

Plenty of people prefer it. In a 2017 YouGov poll, 15% of Americans said a first-date bill should be split evenly, and 9% said each person should pay for what they ordered. In a 2022 Credit Karma survey, one in five daters preferred a 50:50 split, including a third of the women who date.

Splitting also skips the question of who is supposed to be the host. Bumble's head of brand told HuffPost in 2018 that most same-sex couples they had spoken with choose to split the bill most of the time, and an LGBTQ matchmaker in the same story said splitting can help prevent first-date awkwardness.

The case for Team Asker Pays

Team Asker Pays has the etiquette books. The Emily Post Institute says that when in doubt, "whoever does the asking, does the paying." It is a clean rule because it does not care about gender, only about who sent the invitation.

Most people expect it. In a 2024 Harris Poll for NerdWallet, 65% of Americans said they would expect the person who asked them out to pay. In the 2016 Match survey of LGBTQ singles, 62% said the person who initiated the date should pay.

Older habits linger in straight dating. The same NerdWallet poll found 72% agree that in a heterosexual couple the man should pay on the first date, and in YouGov's 2017 poll, 35% said the man should always pay. Team Asker Pays offers a fairer version of that habit: if you want to pay, do the asking.

The court's ruling

Both teams agree on one thing: the check should never be a surprise. Etiquette allows splitting and it allows paying, but it says couples should settle how the bill will be paid upfront, "long before the waiter is waiting."

So the default goes to Team Asker Pays. The person who invites should expect to pay, and the guest may offer to chip in. Team Split It is guilty of surprise itemization, meaning a split sprung at the table without warning, and is sentenced to pay for the next date it asks for.

How to handle the check

If you asked, plan to pay and say so lightly: "My treat, I invited you." If you want to split, say so when you make the plan, not when the bill lands. If you were invited, offering to chip in is polite, but the Emily Post Institute advises against fighting over the check.

If one person pays this time, the other can cover the next date, a pattern an LGBTQ matchmaker recommended to HuffPost. Still arguing? File both sides and let Judge Whiskerton rule.

Questions people ask

Who pays on a gay or lesbian first date?

The same rule works: whoever asked usually pays, or you agree to split ahead of time. In a 2016 Match survey, 62% of LGBTQ singles said the person who initiated the date should pay.

Should the man pay on the first date?

Many people still expect it in straight couples: 72% agreed in a 2024 Harris Poll for NerdWallet. Etiquette's rule is gender neutral, though: the person who asked pays.

Is it rude to split the bill on a first date?

No. The Emily Post Institute says splitting is common and nothing to be ashamed of. Just agree on it before the check arrives.

Should you offer to pay if you were invited?

Offering to chip in is polite. If your date says no, thank them and drop it rather than fight over the check.

Sources

1. Emily Post Institute: Valentine's Day survival guide
2. NerdWallet: Most say men should pay for first date in hetero couples (Harris Poll, 2024)
3. YouGov: 40% of men think men should always pay the bill on a first date (2017)
4. HuffPost: Who should pay on a first date?
5. Credit Karma: Go Dutch or go broke? (2022 survey)